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Archive for the ‘Transparency’ Category

I am a noticer

Posted in Life, Transparency, Words, tagged , , on October 27, 2024| Leave a Comment »

I am a noticer that has been trying not to see, feel or acknowledge myself. It is easier to scroll endlessly through social media or tweak my lesson plans for the coming week or weeks. Staying busy and giving into exhaustion as a badge or sign of accomplishment or enoughness, is sometimes easier on the front end. In reality it’s a vicious cycle that demands more and more energy and sucks the life out of me.

I absolutely love fall and the change of seasons but October is a challenging month for me. My body knows this and reminds me of grief that I store inside. I never quite know when my body will say enough is enough, take time to feel, but today was the day.

I thought I had been allowing myself to hold space for my grief. I have cried more over the past month watching my home state of North Carolina literally be washed away. Both the coast and the mountains have seen unprecedented destruction from rain.

Grief, I know is a part of life. I’ve had a baby die, a marriage die, parents die, friends and other family die, community die, church die, a life I thought I’d live til I die, die.

Yet, I live. I hope. I look to the future. I love the life I have helped create with the one I love. I know in my inner most being joy. Joy of hope. Joy of being loved. Joy of knowing I have birthed children that make a difference in this world. Joy of bonus children, grandchildren and now a daughter and son in law. I never knew I could love like I do and know joy.

Even in the knowing of the coming weight of grief, it was different this year. I have been able to name it. I’ve been able to share with my love. I’ve allowed him to hold me and comfort me. I’ve gotten into nature. I’ve moved my body. I’ve written words.

It is possible to hold grief and joy at the same time and in the same space. It’s possible to know and not know, all in the same moment. It’s possible to know I am enough and still feel my “not enoughness”.

I am a noticer. I am enough.

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The gift of grief

Posted in Healing, Life, Transparency, Uncategorized on February 4, 2018| Leave a Comment »

Really? How is grief a gift? What does grief do or not do that causes it to be a gift? I wrestled until I was willing to put pen to paper and explore the possibilities.

Grief floods me with memories. It takes me by surprise and transports me in time. An avalanche of memories cascade upon me threatening to take my breath away. Sometimes good. Sometimes painful. A flooding nonetheless.

Grief stings. I want to shrink back and pull the painful nettles out of my heart. I want to feel nothing. The loss overwhelms. It is empty.

Grief provides me space to feel. To feel the loss of a dream, a child, a marriage, a parent, a friend, a pet, and many heart aches yet unexplored. The space feels wide and vast, with no map or roads to travel. At other times it feels like a suffocating closet with no air to breath.

Grief looks like a torrent of tears that will never cease. Is there really that much fluid in my body to cause these many tears? I may just drown. At other times one tear escapes, slides down my cheek and neck, leaving a trail of salty memories.

A belly laugh of memories escapes through grief. It may start as a smile and ruptures into a cleansing release of happiness and joy.

Grief is the before and after. A defining moment and yet an eternal emptiness filled with intention. Still there is laundry to be done. Dishes waiting to be washed. Food to be prepared. A going on with life…

A gift, an invitation to feel. An invitation to explore my heart. A timeless gift not many are willing to open.

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Trust

Posted in Transparency on March 14, 2009| 2 Comments »

The topic of trust has been on my heart a lot over the past several years and really coming into more focus the past few weeks. Here are a few definitions according to dictionary.com… 

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
3. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.
4. the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.
5. charge, custody, or care: to leave valuables in someone’s trust.
6. something committed or entrusted to one’s care for use or safekeeping, as an office, duty, or the like; responsibility; charge.

All of us has struggled with trust at one time in our life. We have all been burned by people we thought we could trust. We have also not been trustworthy for other people. Honestly, I find myself in a place of not trusting people right now. I am sure there are people who do not trust me. I don’t have a confident expectation, reliance , or surety in people.

I can say I do ‘trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on myown understanding; in all my ways acknowledge Him, and he will make my paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6.  I have had to rely on the Lord because I do not understand so many things that go on in life.  Psalm 9:10 states, ” Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.” I have spent enough time getting to ‘know’ the Lord and His ways that I can trust Him. The word ‘name’ in this context means essence, nature, and character.

But is this enough? Is it enough to trust in the Lord? Do we need to get into a place where we trust other people? Yes, yes and yes. If we do not fully put our trust in the Lord we can not fully trust people. God is ultimately the one who ‘covers’ our backside when things go wrong. The very foundation of my life depends on my trust in the Lord and my knowing and experinceing who He is in a very real and practical way. But how do I translate my trust in the Lord to be able to trust other people? This is where I tend to get ‘stuck’ and find myself right now.

What exactly do I not trust about people? Right now I think it boils down to people being ‘keepers of their word’, not betraying me when I have entrusted my heart to them and not being taken advantage of. When someone says they are going to do something–I want them to do it. Not just talk about it or say all the right things–but do it. I want people to hold in confidence the things I confide in them about. I don’t want them going to others and saying, “Oh, Annette is dealing with such and such” without getting my permission. I guess it’s the persumption that I’m okay with others sharing my stuff with others just because I tend to be transparent in the things I talk about that erks me. Don’t know if that made sense or not but…

Anyway, I still have a lot to stew about on this subject, but at least it’s a start. There will probably more to come on this subject.

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Learning about myself

Posted in Transparency on January 28, 2009| 2 Comments »

Enough of my random thoughts…between the blog and notes on facebook…It has been fun and really has ‘loosened’ me up in the whole area of transparency. I am realizing I have really only just begun to know who I am as a person and woman. I tend to compartmentalize and like all my ‘stuff’ to be in neat little boxes, only to be pulled out for use when I want. I consider myself a very open, honest and transparent sort of person and I don’t tend to offer information unless people specifically ask. You can ask me pretty much anything and I am willing to discuss or let you know how I feel, think or have experienced in that particular area. I just don’t tend to initiate and offer up stuff on my own without being asked. I don’t mean to come across as closed down etc. but I am married to a man who is always ready to talk and always has something to say. He is learning to not talk as much and give me opportunity and I am learnig to speak up and say what I mean. One of my goals is to continue to come out of my shell and be vulnerable and be known for who I really am. It will be interesting to see how all of this unfold.

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Random Thoughts

Posted in Transparency on January 19, 2009| 2 Comments »

As I woke up this morning these random thoughts went flitting through my mind…

…it’s so quite…must be snowing

…I need to clip the cats claws

…We are the body of Christ…why doesn’t anyone ever claim to be the butt or the…well, you get the point

…does any one else ever think about these things?

…a cup of coffee would be nice

…I should go into work for the optional teacher work day

….or not

…Hannah and Wes’ chocolate chip cookies were really good last night

…Lord, bless this day, my hubby and kids

…time to get up and enjoy the quite morning with the kids still in bed…

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The Wardrobe

Posted in Transparency on January 18, 2009| Leave a Comment »

Several years ago I heard a man give an exhortation about transparency. The analogy he used was that of a wardrobe. You know, like the one seen in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe?

The question he was asking was how transparent are you willing to become? Are you just a wardrobe sitting there looking pretty or are you willing to allow others into your life. Are you willing to just let people look at you or are you willing to let people go into your ‘bottom’ draw, so to speak, and learn about the depths of who you are? 

This exhortation was many years ago but one I often ponder and meditate on during different times of my life.  This year of 2009 I am feeling to be a year of writing, a year to put my ponderings down, for Lord only knows whose eyes will see. So, I invite you into my wardrobe. I invite you into my Narnia. I can’t promise any epic battles or kings, queens, princes or princesses. I will, however, push myself to become more transparent in my writing and in the sharing of my ponderings.

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