I am a noticer that has been trying not to see, feel or acknowledge myself. It is easier to scroll endlessly through social media or tweak my lesson plans for the coming week or weeks. Staying busy and giving into exhaustion as a badge or sign of accomplishment or enoughness, is sometimes easier on the front end. In reality it’s a vicious cycle that demands more and more energy and sucks the life out of me.
I absolutely love fall and the change of seasons but October is a challenging month for me. My body knows this and reminds me of grief that I store inside. I never quite know when my body will say enough is enough, take time to feel, but today was the day.
I thought I had been allowing myself to hold space for my grief. I have cried more over the past month watching my home state of North Carolina literally be washed away. Both the coast and the mountains have seen unprecedented destruction from rain.
Grief, I know is a part of life. I’ve had a baby die, a marriage die, parents die, friends and other family die, community die, church die, a life I thought I’d live til I die, die.
Yet, I live. I hope. I look to the future. I love the life I have helped create with the one I love. I know in my inner most being joy. Joy of hope. Joy of being loved. Joy of knowing I have birthed children that make a difference in this world. Joy of bonus children, grandchildren and now a daughter and son in law. I never knew I could love like I do and know joy.
Even in the knowing of the coming weight of grief, it was different this year. I have been able to name it. I’ve been able to share with my love. I’ve allowed him to hold me and comfort me. I’ve gotten into nature. I’ve moved my body. I’ve written words.
It is possible to hold grief and joy at the same time and in the same space. It’s possible to know and not know, all in the same moment. It’s possible to know I am enough and still feel my “not enoughness”.
I am a noticer. I am enough.
A Net of Hope 