Really? How is grief a gift? What does grief do or not do that causes it to be a gift? I wrestled until I was willing to put pen to paper and explore the possibilities.
Grief floods me with memories. It takes me by surprise and transports me in time. An avalanche of memories cascade upon me threatening to take my breath away. Sometimes good. Sometimes painful. A flooding nonetheless.
Grief stings. I want to shrink back and pull the painful nettles out of my heart. I want to feel nothing. The loss overwhelms. It is empty.
Grief provides me space to feel. To feel the loss of a dream, a child, a marriage, a parent, a friend, a pet, and many heart aches yet unexplored. The space feels wide and vast, with no map or roads to travel. At other times it feels like a suffocating closet with no air to breath.
Grief looks like a torrent of tears that will never cease. Is there really that much fluid in my body to cause these many tears? I may just drown. At other times one tear escapes, slides down my cheek and neck, leaving a trail of salty memories.
A belly laugh of memories escapes through grief. It may start as a smile and ruptures into a cleansing release of happiness and joy.
Grief is the before and after. A defining moment and yet an eternal emptiness filled with intention. Still there is laundry to be done. Dishes waiting to be washed. Food to be prepared. A going on with life…
A gift, an invitation to feel. An invitation to explore my heart. A timeless gift not many are willing to open.
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Sorry to burst your bubble, but it’s not ALL about that bass… (you’re welcome, now the song will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day). Life is cyclical. I need to be reminded during these cold winter days that this world holds balance. Cold AND heat. Life AND death. Joy AND sorrow. Sickness AND health. I simple can not know or appreciate one without the other. Even the days, months and years are marked in cycles. Sun AND moon. Day AND night. Summer AND winter. Spring AND fall.
Life is “AND”.
How can we know peace without experiencing the war within us? Only in pain can we experience comfort. There are moments, days and weeks I want to numb out and not feel either one. Even now as snow spreads itself across the world outside my window, I sit back, close my eyes and can feel the sun beating on my face as I sit on the beach listening to the waves lap upon the shore.
The “AND” I have experienced allows me to appreciate both.
Let’s embrace the cycle of life.
Embrace the “AND”.
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Entirety
the whole
owning all
a human experience
acceptance and rejection
comfort and pain
joy and sorrow
seeping through the crevices of the soul
one without the other does not make us whole
sometimes comfort
sometimes pain
acceptance…rejection
joy…sorrow
we can not know one without the other
it’s the whole that makes us human
owning all
entirety
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Fear rears it’s ugly head and threatens to suck the life from my very soul
Do I turn and run?
Do I stare it in the face?
Fear only grows when faced with fear
Love melts fear away
It has to scatter or be scooped up and put in its place
Love will take care of my fear
I chose love
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I will conquer the beast that threatens to ravage my heart
It will not be by sword or weapons of hate
Only weapons of love will slay this beast
I will lay a blanket of kindness across my breast smothering the lies that threaten my soul
Love will win
Love conquers all
I will conquer the beast within
I am…
…enough
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As day light breaks across night time shadows
Waking a world of coldness
The darkness honors the light and bows out
Always light over darkness
Defined by light?
Defined by darkness?
Why not honor both…
1/8/18
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The dark night of the soul tiptoed from out of the shadows
drawn to the dawning light of the new day
creeping ever so slowly
finding comfort in the warmth
melting the darkness away
breathing in…
breathing out…
breathing in…
breathing out…
lungs filled with life
a new start
a new dawn
a new day…
1/3/18
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Gentle breezes blowing,
heralding the presence of kingly mystique.
Hope is caressing the bosom of my soul and
drawing from a wealth of deposited wisdom.
Listen for that unforced rhythm
echoing across life’s valley.
Soothing bristled heart of mourning
transforming into a resplendent tuft of joy.
Who, may I ask, can perform such daring?
It is The One who holds the unknown.
A mystery better left unsolved, because in the unknowing,
One is truly known.
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A few years ago I was given a peace lily for an end of school year thank you. It was a precious gift, and my only hope was that I could keep it alive long enough to enjoy its beauty. I set it in my home and I enjoyed its beauty and pleasant thoughts of the adorable boy who had gifted it to me. When it began to wilt, I watered it.
Somewhere along the way, I started to neglect it and really not pay it much attention. It stubbornly held on and continued to survive. It became root bound and leafy, but never bloomed.
When I moved, I took this plant with me. It was a gift and something inside of me wanted to see it survive and flourish. Last summer I almost threw it away because, well, it was sad and pathetic looking. Instead, I took it out of its old planter, divided it up into about six other planters and left them to die on the deck. Every once in a while I’d throw some water on them, but mostly, I ignored them. I figured I’d already killed them and they didn’t have a chance.
Survive and flourish is exactly what each of those tender little plants accomplished. I looked down one day as I passed them by on the deck, and they were all green! Tiny little shoots reaching up begging to be recognized. They had made it!
I did what any sane person would do, I started talking to them and gently coaxing them along. I’m not sure why I hadn’t thought of that before. I placed them on the deck railing where I could keep my eye on them. I poked around in the dirt for them and watered them when they became dry. I continued to speak gently to them.
Fall and winter came and I took them indoors. I was enjoying my new plants and taking care of them. One day as I passed by, I noticed a bloom. Yes, a beautiful bloom. New growth. New bloom. New life.
Not all have bloomed yet, but all are surviving and flourishing. I was able to share a small peace lily plant with my daughter this past week. I transferred it into a pretty new pot for her to enjoy at her new home.
A simple gift of thanks from the heart of a four year boy multiples over and over. What will I multiply today? Gratitude? Thankfulness? Kindness? Yes. Yes. Yes.
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A Net of Hope 