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Posts Tagged ‘stages of grief’

I am a noticer

Posted in Life, Transparency, Words, tagged , , on October 27, 2024| Leave a Comment »

I am a noticer that has been trying not to see, feel or acknowledge myself. It is easier to scroll endlessly through social media or tweak my lesson plans for the coming week or weeks. Staying busy and giving into exhaustion as a badge or sign of accomplishment or enoughness, is sometimes easier on the front end. In reality it’s a vicious cycle that demands more and more energy and sucks the life out of me.

I absolutely love fall and the change of seasons but October is a challenging month for me. My body knows this and reminds me of grief that I store inside. I never quite know when my body will say enough is enough, take time to feel, but today was the day.

I thought I had been allowing myself to hold space for my grief. I have cried more over the past month watching my home state of North Carolina literally be washed away. Both the coast and the mountains have seen unprecedented destruction from rain.

Grief, I know is a part of life. I’ve had a baby die, a marriage die, parents die, friends and other family die, community die, church die, a life I thought I’d live til I die, die.

Yet, I live. I hope. I look to the future. I love the life I have helped create with the one I love. I know in my inner most being joy. Joy of hope. Joy of being loved. Joy of knowing I have birthed children that make a difference in this world. Joy of bonus children, grandchildren and now a daughter and son in law. I never knew I could love like I do and know joy.

Even in the knowing of the coming weight of grief, it was different this year. I have been able to name it. I’ve been able to share with my love. I’ve allowed him to hold me and comfort me. I’ve gotten into nature. I’ve moved my body. I’ve written words.

It is possible to hold grief and joy at the same time and in the same space. It’s possible to know and not know, all in the same moment. It’s possible to know I am enough and still feel my “not enoughness”.

I am a noticer. I am enough.

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Journey of Grief

Posted in Healing, Heaven, Life, Uncategorized, tagged on January 26, 2012| 1 Comment »

I  would not consider myself an expert in grief but I have had my fair share of grief on this journey of life ecspecially in this past year.  It will be a year on January 26th since Dad went home to heaven. I have read several  things about grief but I think the best lessons have been opening up my own heart to feel and experience the full brunt of it.

What is the most painful grief?  Your own.  The most painful grief you will ever experience is your own. No one can go through it but yourself. The highs and lows of allowing yourself to ‘feel’ is pretty  intense.

The intensity of grief will strike at the most unexpected times. For me it has been the  little things in life. Like waking in the middle of the night and finding I have a wet pillow from unrealized crying and the thought hits me…’I will never hear him say my name ‘Nettie’ again’. Or walking into their house and expecting to see him sitting in his chair, business as usual.

I know there are professional stages of grief but I’ve come up with my own titles to go along with my grief–Numb-Numbville, The Sting, Your Kidding Right?, Now What.

Numb-numbville is exactly like it sounds, no feeling, blurry brain, dulled senses, etc. I remember thinking when Dad was in the process of dying that ‘I should be feeling something’ but no, I was doing what needed to be done to just get through the moment.  Auto-pilot was my default setting to get through some of the unpleasantness. There were even days I thought I was handling things pretty well, this isn’t too bad. Maybe it really was an uncommon Grace that can only be tapped into through God’s amazing love.

The Sting happened unexpectedly. I woke up one day and I could not handle life anymore. I even went to work but couldn’t keep it together and had to leave. I went to Dad’s grave site and just wept. Every thing I had not felt in the preciding months came crashing down like a wall of cinder blocks on my heart. All filters were gone and I could not ‘keep it together’ any more. I had finally allowed myself to feel the full brunt of my loss. It has very comforting and a tremendous relief to release all my pent-up emotion.

Your Kidding Right? This is it? The reality set in that Dad is not coming back. God, what about so and so, they’ve not lived a very good life, why couldn’t you have taken them instead of Dad? I’ve had more questions then answers during my times of  ‘Your Kidding’. But I’ve learned over the years that God is a big enough God to handle my rantings and ravings. He can handle my blunt accusations. He is not going to punish me for questioning and plain not understanding this life sometimes.

Now what? For me, pretty much more questions but more in a forward thinking sort of way. Some people may call it ‘coming to terms’ with loss. I like to think of it is starting to find the new ‘normal’ in life because life will never be the same. I realize I don’t want it to be the same because then I’d really be stuck in trying to make something happen that never will or can go back.

I’ve grieved much in my life. I’ve miscarried, lost a parent, dreams have died,and well laid plans have gotten tossed to the wind.  A loss of any kind will more than likely cause us to grieve. It is not something to be afraid of but something we should start embracing. My journey of grief will continue for life as I learn to embrace and come into relationship with my Heavenly Father to find comfort and peace.

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